A few months ago I published an article called “Text Messaging Is Ruining Relationships”. In it I talk about how the ability to text message someone has made it so that the responsibility towards the relationship you have created with them, however small, is much more easily disposable the more ever present the communication technology becomes. Give it a read if you didn’t when I posted it. What I’m going to tell you about today is a follow-up to that article and a lot of the same themes are going to be discussed, albeit in a more specific manner with a real-world example of what I’m trying to get across.
Most of the people I meet and have relationships with start online either with OkCupid (of which I’ve been an A-List member since 2008) or Tinder (which I’ve only recently started trying). According to a very recent study, 41,250,000 people in the US alone have tried online dating. To put that into perspective, it’s estimated that there are about 54,250,000 people who consider themselves to be “single” in the United States, which means that over 76% of single people today are doing at least part of their dating in cyberspace. So before you get all “Online dating is for weirdos who can’t get dates the old fashioned way” take a look at those stats. If you still need convincing, head here to read even more in-depth stats about online dating and modern relationships.
In my online dating profile, both on OKC and on Tinder, I explicitly state that I’m in a non-monogamous relationship and live with my primary partner. So whenever there’s communication between me and a prospective date they know right away that they’re not chatting with just any random single dude; I’m a bit more unique than most. Some girls are really into it, some girls are totally turned off…but most girls are kind of like, “Hmmm…that’s interesting. I don’t know how I feel about that.” If I’m into an on-the-fence girl I encourage them to meet up with me simply because I’ve found that most of them figure out that non-monogamy is something they’d enjoy once they actually meet someone living that lifestyle. And if they meet me and realize that they’re not into it (or maybe just not into me) then no big deal, right? They spent an evening out with a guy who made them laugh a bit and had some cool stories to tell and got to share their stories with him. No harm, no foul.
That’s how communication started with a girl I recently connected with on OKC…we’ll call her Sasha. I sent Sasha a cute first message and she came back with this:
I hear the whole, “You seem cool but the idea of not being able to be your one and only girlfriend in the very near future is a deal breaker” quite a lot. It doesn’t bother me. So I sent her this reply expecting that to be the end of it:
To my surprise, she came back with a message that stated she’d give me a try and go out on a date with me, and even included her phone number with the message. So I took the conversation off OkCupid and started texting with her. Within a few texts she was saying, “When should we meet up?” We decided a Sunday afternoon lunch worked well for the both of us but she said she wouldn’t be able to commit to a specific time until the nite before, which is fine. She told me to text her on Saturday evening and she’d be able to make a definite plan.
So far, this is going really well. She’s eager to meet, albeit not totally convinced that meeting is going to lead to anything. She’s also incredibly attractive, which is not a major factor in the girls I choose to meet up with but always very nice. We text back and forth fairly consistently throughout the rest of the day.
Within only a few hours of texting, we’re talking about what would happen if sex were to be something we wanted to do together once we’ve met up. We talked about safety and she talked a bit about boys and girls she’s had sex with in the past, as well as her feelings on group sex (she’s into it…a lot). Still all going swimmingly. Then the nude pictures started being sent. I get some shots of her naked ass (which is glorious), some shots of her boobs (also magnificent), and then some shots of just her doing selfies with clothes on. This is fucking great!
The conversation winds down and I tell her I’ll text her on Saturday to make final plans for our Sunday lunch, to which she says she’s excited for. On Saturday morning around 10:00 AM I send her a text just being like, “Good morning! Hope you’re doing well.” No response. OK, no big deal, maybe she had a late Friday nite and is still sleeping. The afternoon comes and goes and then we’re into early evening. I send her another text saying I’m excited about meeting up tomorrow and for her to let me know when she knows what time will work for her.
Now, this has happened to me before a whole bunch. Second thoughts start to creep in: “Is this really going to be worth my time?” or “This guy seems really intimidating what with these multiple relationships and this sex life that is way out there…do I want to even bother?” Thoughts like these are totally understandable and they don’t offend me in the least. I get the feeling that this is what’s happening; after all, we texted for hours straight back and forth and she was quick to reply nearly instantaneously just yesterday, so what else could it be? Broken phone, maybe? Unlikely. So I send her this text:
As you might have guessed, no response. By this point, I’ve already chalked her up as a person who just doesn’t hold people and her commitment to them in high regard. I know I shouldn’t jump to that conclusion and give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve just been doing this too long. This is the way people are now, this is the way modern dating is. There’s absolutely zero commitment given and zero commitment expected…but the idea that that kind of attitude could ever lead to any kind of meaningful relationship is patently absurd. But I digress…after not receiving a response to that last text I went ahead and just expected not to be having lunch with her the next day.
On Sunday morning I got up and made Eloise breakfast and cleaned the house a bit. Around noon, with still no response from Sasha, I got angry and sent her this text:
Lo and behold, I got a response from her immediately:
…”You’re a guy I met on the internet.”
That sentence there sums up it all, folks. That’s what this problem is. I’m a guy she met on the internet, yes, but I’m still a person. I’m a real person on the other end of the text messaging chain and I have real reactions to what people say and do to me. She made a plan with me, a fairly specific plan of lunch on Sunday. I put that lunch into my calendar and therefore did not make any other plans at that time, when I very well could have. I got excited to meet an attractive woman and have lunch with her, and then was let down. I was disrespected and feel that rejection and dismay. Is this the end of the world? No, of course not, but it still fucking sucks and could have easily been avoided.
And what the fuck is “I was very sick last nite and couldn’t reply?” Was she paralyzed all day? Unable to move her arms or hands and text out, “I’m sorry, I’m sick…will text back when I’m better”? Of course she wasn’t. She probably wasn’t even sick, but she needed to say something to make herself feel like she wasn’t just being a neglectful and hurtful asshole.
But what’s really astonishing about this whole thing is the pictures. I have naked pictures of Sasha. Apparently, in this day and age of modern dating, sending a strange man multiple naked pictures of yourself is A-OK, but for him to expect that you keep the plans you made with him is just way outta line. Am I taking crazy pills? How fucking backwards is that? Sasha is lucky that I’m not that asshole guy who’s going to post those pics on the internet for all to see. Although I’m sure that’s already happened, because I’m sure I’m not the first guy this has happened to on her account.
This is fucked up, folks. This is just not the way it should be. If this was an isolated incident I would look the other way, but I have literally dozens of stories just like this that have happened to me in just the past year or two, let alone my entire life. Maybe I should just make a blog of them and raise awareness for how fucked up people’s priorities and sense of responsibility towards their fellow man really are.
Anyway, /rant. Fuck you, Sasha, and all the people like you.