A few days ago, I received a question from a girl that I started to answer in preparation to post in the Sexpress Yourself section. As I was writing my answer out, I realized that the particular topic she brought up is a bigger thing than my usual 400 – 600 word answers could cover, so I scrapped the question and am writing this article instead. Her question was essentially this: how can I teach my boyfriend to make me come? It seems like a simple enough question, but the more I wrote the more I felt that some big points needed to be gotten across on this topic. And no, the topic is not how to make girls come, but rather: “Orgasm Responsibility”.

There are two nearly universal laws: (a) that men achieve orgasm much easier and quicker than women and (b) that it’s much easier to make a man come during sex than it is to make a woman come during sex. Obviously there are exceptions to be found throughout the world I’m sure, but I don’t think anyone could argue that the general statement of “men can get off easier than women can get off” is almost always applicable. I wish it wasn’t true, though. I wish achieving orgasm was easy for everyone and that we all were orgasming at least twice a day at the bare minimum. But women seem to always get the short-end of the stick when it comes to…well, pretty much everything, and no magic wand that I or anyone else may have is going to suddenly make the female orgasm as simple and prevalent a thing as the male orgasm.

There is a natural/physiological reason why there is a huge chasm between men and women when it comes to climax during sex. Sex is only “successful” in a purely animalistic sense if the man achieves orgasm and ejaculates sperm into the woman’s vagina. Take the “sex for pleasure” idea out of coitus and you’re left with only one thing: procreation. If it was exceptionally difficult for a man to achieve orgasm (and thus ejaculation) the procreation of the human species would be harder and thus less prevalent. Natural selection dictates that the men who can get hard and shoot a load as quickly and plentifully as possible are the ones whose blood-line is going to last the longest, so men have literally been bred over eons of time to get from zero to orgasm as efficiently as possible. Women? Not so much.

Once sex has actually begun the female orgasm is in the most literal sense completely useless as far as the success or failure of procreation goes. So right from the get-go, both sexes are pre-wired to place a huge amount of emphasis on the male orgasm and absolutely no emphasis on the female one. Combine this instinct with the concept that men have physically evolved to orgasm easier and you’ve got that huge chasm I referred to: men are making their O-Faces during sex a hell of a lot more often than women are.

The girl who wrote me the question that started off this article means well. She has a boyfriend and she wants him to make her come but doesn’t know how to do that. Naturally, she thinks that since making one man orgasm is pretty much the same way you make every other man orgasm that there has to be a nearly universal way to make women orgasm, and please could I teach it to her. I wish that was how it worked, but unfortunately nature has sadistically and remorselessly thrust upon the female sex what I referred to above: Orgasm Responsibility.

Let’s talk about making a woman come. Most guys who give a fuck about the pleasure of their female partners know that just thrusting your dick in and out of a lady’s orifice is most likely not going to get her to orgasm (although the amount of men out there who don’t care about their partner’s pleasure is staggering). We all know that doing so involves the clitoris and a lot of time, because the clit is where the orgasms come from and it takes way longer to get there than it does for men. But other than those two very rudimentary details every guy is completely in the dark on how to make any specific woman come. And it’s really not our fault because every woman is completely different. Sure, we can do the whole trial-and-error approach of licking here like this and then licking there like that and putting fingers here and doing this thing and on and on, hoping to find the magic combo that unlocks the orgasm safe. But there are so many factors! Some women need a lot of pressure on their clit and no penetration…others need the opposite. Some need two fingers in them just resting, others need one thrusting. Some need oral stimulation some only need manual. Some need toys…and that’s a whole other long list. And then there’s the mental aspects of it all. It’s literally a neverending cascade of possible combinations of things. And even if you do unlock the secret code for Girl A, you’re going to have to start all over again with Girl B because she’s totally different. And meanwhile, we men are just like, “Just jerk it and watch out for splooge.”

After a guy goes through this struggle with several sex partners he just starts to get sick of it. He knows a few moves that most every partner liked so he just does those things and hopes that maybe it will get her there. If it doesn’t, well…what’s he going to do? Logically, he just asks: “Hey, I would love to make you orgasm…what should I do?”

And that’s when the girl stares at him blankly and then rushes to her computer to ask me, how can I teach my boyfriend to make me come? Well, girls…I don’t have the answer, and Mother Nature has deemed it your Orgasm Responsibility to figure it out yourself. So that’s my answer to this reader’s question: I don’t know, you tell me!

But I’m a feminist and I know the conundrum here: if the Orgasm Responsibility does in fact exist, then the patriarchal influence that prevents girls from openly exploring their sexuality is robbing them of even the slightest chance of fulfilling that responsibility! And that’s absolutely right, there’s no question about it…once again we have another example of how male culture has repressed girls everywhere and put them in this predicament. But what women need to understand is that even if the patriarchy was suddenly gone tomorrow they would still have the Orgasm Responsibility to deal with. Men may have fucked shit up for women when it comes to this topic, but men didn’t create the Orgasm Responsibility; Mother Nature did. And even feminist men like myself who are ready and open to do whatever it is we may need to do to make our women shake the room with their thunderous orgasms need to be taught how to do it, or at the very least guided to the destination.

So women everywhere, listen up: you need to learn how to make yourself come. The way you make yourself come will most likely be vastly different than the way your other female friends make themselves come. Figure it out, get it down, and then tell your partners how to do it. Don’t play the game of “I want him to naturally figure it out” or “I want it to just spontaneously happen because that’s more romantic.” No, no, and no. Depending on blind luck is a fool’s errand because the cards are already so stacked against you. First you have to get a man that even gives a fuck about you orgasming or not, and then you have to get a man who will let his ego down for three fucking seconds to listen to you explain how to do it. Then you have to hope that he remains patient enough to get it done when it most likely will physically give him no pleasure at all and may not even involve his penis in any way. Then you have to hope and pray to all the non-existent gods in the universe that the two of you can figure out a way to get you to orgasm while having sex. So no, don’t just sit around waiting for all that to just “happen”. Figure it out and explain it. It’s your Orgasm Responsibility and it needs to be taken seriously.