He Won’t Commit

By | 2016-10-18T17:52:33+00:00 January 7th, 2015|Tags: , , , , , |

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I dated for about a year and then broke up. That was about 6 months ago. We then got back together and have been dating for the past 6 months. We were in a long distance relationship for the second half of the first year and have been long distance for the past 6 months, too. The problem I’m having is that he won’t commit to saying that we are back together. We are operating pretty much exactly like we previously were and are sexually exclusive to one another but he doesn’t tell me he loves me, which is what I really want. I tell him I love him and he just says, “I know” or something along those lines. I also want him to move closer to me so we won’t be long distance anymore (we live on opposite sides of the country) and he’s being really non-committal about that as well. I want to deliver him an ultimatum but I also don’t want to lose him…should I give him more time? Or should I tell him that it’s now or never?


Scott’s Reply

I'm frustrated, but I'm also crazy!

I’m frustrated, but I’m also crazy!

This kind of thing just boggles my mind.I understand that there are all sorts of relationships out there and I am very accepting of as many of them as possible. After all, it would be completely hypocritical of me to call out so-called “alternative relationships” that people are in while I myself am in one. But what you and your “boyfriend” have isn’t an alternative relationship, Jen…in fact, I don’t think it’s a relationship at all, and that’s what your boyfriend is conveying to you as well.

What makes a relationship a relationship? Most people think that monogamy is the definition, which I obviously totally disagree with, but is there a line in the sand where a relationship “is” on one side and “isn’t” on another? I think there is, and I think that you and this guy you call your boyfriend are definitively on the “isn’t” side. For a relationship to be a relationship there has to be at least two people in it, and it’s clear that there is one person in this relationship, Jen, and that’s you and you alone. Your “boyfriend”, whom you have little to no physical contact with, won’t call what you have a relationship because he doesn’t think it is one either, and you need to accept that. Delivering him an ultimatum will only result in him saying, “OK, then see you later.” Why he hasn’t just done that already I don’t know…maybe he likes Skyping with you or talking on the phone with you or whatever it is you guys do to relate to one another while you are separated by however-many thousands of miles, and he doesn’t want that to stop for the time being. Regardless, he won’t call you his girlfriend or say he loves you because you aren’t his girlfriend and he doesn’t love you.

I think what you want, to hear him or anyone say “I love you”, is a fine thing to want, Jen. But it has to mean something. I can say “I love you” to a fucking chair and it doesn’t mean anything. The three words have left my mouth but they are meaningless and devoid of substance because I’m saying them to a chair. Just having someone who says “I love you” isn’t enough, you need someone who’s ready to back that up. And it’s not going to be a guy who lives thousands of miles away and has no desire to make any commitments to you at all or make any plans for the future with you. Don’t put the cart in front of the horse: build a real relationship first, and then watch the “I love you’s” spring forth on their own.

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My name is Scott and I run Sexpressed.com. I am probably in love with you and probably want to have sex with you. That's just how I am. Follow me on Twitter!