Always Defending Myself

By | 2016-10-18T17:52:33+00:00 January 5th, 2015|Tags: , , , , , , |

Reader’s Question

My girlfriend of two years and I both have very different sexual histories. I have slept around and had plenty of sexual experiences with a handful of different women, while my GF has only had sex with one other guy besides me. This isn’t a problem for me but it seems to be for her because she keeps bringing it up. Whenever she’s feeling sad or if we get into a fight she’ll constantly remind me that I’m a “man-whore”, or sometimes she’ll ask me about my past and then dig into me about it when I answer her questions. I’m just always defending myself and my past and it’s getting old. How can I fix this?


Scott’s Reply

Go ahead: tell me about your ex's blowjob skills.

Go ahead: tell me about your ex’s blowjob skills.

The thing about your message that jumps out to me the most is the fact that you two have been together for two years. Two years? That’s a long-ass time to be dealing with this kind of silliness, Garrett. If you guys had been together for only a few months then I would just chalk this up as her being a little insecure about your sexual experience points being higher than her sexual experience points, but after 2 years I’m thinking that this isn’t about a little insecurity: this is about a lot of insecurity.

One of the things we as people have to deal with is that we start relationships with fully developed people with fully developed lives. Unless you’re dating high school freshmen only the person you are entering into a partnership with has a life that they’ve been working on for quite some time before you came along. They have family members that they’ve known their whole lives, friends they’ve made since they were little kids, jobs that have come and gone, life experiences that have transpired, travel adventures that have enriched their character…all sorts of stuff. They also have probably been sexual in some capacity with other people and, just like all the other stuff I just mentioned, that’s part of who they are. That has developed them and enriched them and should be appreciated in the same way that a photograph of them hiking up a mountain would. But, since it’s sex, that doesn’t happen for a lot of people. Maybe they see sex as gross or dirty, or maybe they see it as some sort of sacred sacrament that should be had and cherished only with a super select group of people. Whatever their thoughts on the topic might be, sex is different for them, and it appears to me that sex for you, Garrett, is not the same way that sex is for your girlfriend.

My thoughts are tending to side with the idea that your GF is upset because she thinks sex is something that’s special and should be reserved for only the most special of people, while it’s clear from your sexual history that you either don’t think that way or didn’t think that way for a long time. That really upsets her and she doesn’t know what to do about it. She can’t change you or your past, obviously, so she has no way of controlling the situation. She’s left feeling incredibly insecure about her own sex life and the relationship you two have, and that insecurity manifests itself in lashing out at you in an accusatory manner.

Like I said up top, if she was doing this a little bit here and there in the beginning of the relationship it would be understandable, but constantly after two years? That’s way too much for way too long and it needs to be nipped in the bud. You need to tell her when she tries to do something like this again that your past is your past and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, and she needs to get over it and stop bringing it up in this fashion immediately. She may get defensive and upset, but you need to stand your ground. Tell her that you will do whatever you can do to help her along but she needs to get over this and she needs to get over it yesterday. Stand your ground, Garrett…good luck.

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My name is Scott and I run I am probably in love with you and probably want to have sex with you. That's just how I am. Follow me on Twitter!
  • Jessica Blaisdell

    same way my relationship is my boyfriend wants to constantly dig in my past… I don’t want to hear about his sexual experiences with other people so why the hell are you grilling me about mine?

    • Just like Garrett’s girlfriend in this letter, your boyfriend is insecure about your sexual experiences. You need to do the same thing as I suggest to Garrett: put a stop to it!

  • MewCat100 .

    Good advice here. The bottom line is this. You didn’t know her before you knew her, so she can’t say anything about your past. If she is using it to hurt you, tell her that you don’t appreciate it. Tell her that she needs to say what she really feels/thinks rather than taking cheap shots at something you shouldn’t be ashamed about anyway. Her choices are her own, as are yours. She is using your past as an emotional barb to get to you. I doubt it is because she really cares about it and suspect that it has more to do with her need to score points or deflect during an argument – this is the usual case. Figure out what is really going on and steer the conversation back onto the original cause of the argument. That can be hard, when she intentionally pushes your buttons, but you can do it if you concentrate and ignore her barbs. IN the end, she may just be acting like a child to avoid blame in an argument or she may genuinely like hurting you.