My wife and I have been together for 10 years and have two small children. The sex can get repetitive, at least for me. Gone are those early years of crazy uninhibited sex. Now there are varying intensities of the sex. Most times my wife doesn’t orgasm and doesn’t desire to…I call that the “appeasement” sex. In more infrequent episodes she opens up and can really be erotic and want to orgasm, usually by oral stimulation and then penetration/clitoral stimulation at climax. That sex is great and fulfilling. My question is why wouldn’t she want to always orgasm like that and how can I make those orgasms even more intense to leave her possibly wanting more?
Female orgasms are a tricky thing, Bill. We men tend to think about the female orgasm as we think about our own orgasms. For us, sex without an orgasm is pretty much unthinkable…sure, it would be fun to be naked and touch boobies and put our dicks into things but if the orgasm isn’t there we’ll feel like it was a fruitless journey. So when a woman doesn’t orgasm during sex with us we feel that we’ve failed them and that they feel the same kind of unfulfillment that we would feel after orgasm-less sex.
But it’s not that simple. I touch on this more in depth in my recent article “The Orgasm Responsibility” but I’ll sum it up here by saying that sex and orgasm for men are physiologically intertwined while sex and orgasm for women are not. Most women (and I’m sure there are exceptions) will absolutely tell you with the utmost sincerity that some of the best sex they’ve ever had did not involve them having an orgasm. Yes, having an orgasm during sex is a fine thing, but it’s not at all essential for most ladies. Your wife is probably one of those women, so the sex you have where she doesn’t orgasm is not her trying to “appease” you, but more likely she’s just having sex without putting too much focus on her own difficult-to-attain orgasms.
Take this analogy: a guy cycles as a hobby. He really enjoys cycling but he’s not training for any races or anything, he just likes riding around. Some days he likes to bike off-road and get dirty and really work those muscles pumping through the trails. Sometimes he likes to ride through the city because the danger and thrill of the matter really keeps him on his toes. Other times, he just likes to stroll around the lakeside on a nice breezy ride without a thought in his head. These are three totally different types of riding that all use (or don’t use) specific sets of skills, but they are all bike riding and they are all enjoyable for different reasons. That’s how your wife most likely views sex. Sometimes she really wants to dig in there and do a lot of work and make that orgasm happen, and other times she just wants to relax and let things glide along. It’s all sex, it’s all fun, and it all feels good.
So try not to think of the times you two have sex where she doesn’t orgasm as “appeasement”. It most likely isn’t. However, the fact that you are feeling sex is getting repetitive and you miss the good ol’ days of passionate uninhibited fuckfests is valid and should be addressed. It’s nigh on impossible to sustain that kind of passion for one person, especially after 10 years of marriage and two kids, so don’t get your hopes up that you’re going to feel like it’s the first days all over again. But there’s definitely a middle ground between those early days and these later days, you just have to do a little work to find it. Talk to your wife, Bill, and let her know that you want to spice things up more. Don’t talk about her orgasms or any of that…that’s her thing and she can judge how she wants to approach that topic. Just talk about the aspects of sex that you want to either bring back or try out for the first time, and work it out together as a couple. She probably is feeling the same way and will welcome your feedback and get excited about jump-starting the bedroom.
Good luck, Bill! Let me know how it goes.
- Want to ask a question that could potentially be answered on Sexpress Yourself? Click here.
- Have a question you want to ask but want a guaranteed answer? Click here.